Message: Proverbs 31 is often thought of as a chapter written to teach
godly women how to act. It is actually the writing of King Lemuel sharing what
his mother taught him about being a king, what kind of woman to find, and how
her virtuous behavior reflects well on him. Verses 8 and 9 popped out like bold
letters on the page because of the current flare up of division occurring in our
country after we all saw video capturing the death of an innocent black man under
the knee of a police officer. “Speak up for those who have no voice, for
the justice of those who are dispossessed (vanishing). Speak up, judge
righteously and defend the cause of the oppressed and needy”. As I read
this I realized that those who have no voice are often not weak, but ignored.
Those who are needy are not necessarily lacking finances, but are in need of
support. I recently commented on a Facebook post expressing that in the past I had
seen acts of injustice and mourned for the tragedy, but never realized how
personally this injustice impacted friends of mine who saw their own lives or
the lives of their family members in that very place. Though I grieved the loss
and injustice, I saw it as something terrible that happened to someone far
away. I didn’t see the personal connection that was felt by my friends, so I
didn’t know they needed my voice to support them, comfort them and approve of
them in those moments. I have always believed in speaking up for those who are oppressed
and unable. I have done this in situations where I was present and witness to
things, and my husband and I raised our kids that way also. I know some strong,
powerful people and since I don’t see them as weak or powerless in any way, I
didn’t realize they needed my voice or my support. I heard them, so I didn’t
realize how much their voices were being ignored and invalidated by others. I
didn’t realize how much they needed to know they are heard, that they are
valued and that they are supported. I relate this to someone who has been the
victim of a narcissist or an abuser. Narcissists have an interesting pattern of
doing blatant outrageous things and then denying it and making the victim look
and feel crazy. Other people are unaware of the narc’s behavior so when the
victim cries out, the narc masterfully spins out an explanation that sounds
pretty logical. The victim feels invalidated and the people assume the narc is
just a very nice person who was misunderstood. The narc continues the same
behavior so many times that the victim feels both crazy and invisible. The narc
thrives over this emotional control and uses both devastating things and very trivial
things to wind up the victim until the victim reaches a breaking point and reacts
over one of the trivial things. Other people see the reaction, evaluate the
trivial act which the narc explains away, and now everyone else believes the
victim is crazy. The victim has now lost credibility and feels crazy, invisible,
powerless and alone. This pattern continues on and on and silences the victim. If
the victim doesn’t get out of the situation the pattern will continue for years
and drive the victim to hopelessness. All it takes is for someone else to see
through the narc’s behavior and tell the victim that they see it. The outsider
can’t necessarily fix the narc, but the narc loses power by someone simply
telling the victim that they see it. This validates them and removes the layers
of crazy and invisible. It empowers the victim to stand strong and take action with
the support of others who see it and will back them up. Please don’t read this
as a metaphoric way of labeling people or leaders in the role of the narcissist.
That only fuels things and diverts the attention from the behavior. Let’s label
the situation as a whole as the narc because this is bigger and far more
complicated than a leader, a political party or a people group. Let’s stop
hunting for a villain to blame. You can’t fix a narcissist any easier than we
can narrow down and fix a broken and complex system. You can set boundaries with
a narc but you can’t change their mind or behavior. The most powerful way to
disarm a narc is to empower the victim. Let them know that you see the behavior,
that you support them and stand with them. The most powerful way you can do this
is by saying “I believe you.”
